“I know I will hurt master Koen with this piece from my diary. Please understand that I was an idiotic girl back then, full of stupid ideas. They say your brain is fully grown somewhere between 20 and 25. I am the living proof. I was 19 at the time. It’s one of my oldest secrets. And it’s not pretty.”
I know I have to tell this story, and it is not even my worst secret. There are times I hate myself.
Saturday, 29 August 1981
It took us begging like forever to get our parents to agree to celebrate our school diploma in Spain. We, Zuzanna and yours truly, we wanted to let our hair hang down for once. I had been with Koen like forever, and Zuzanna was just starting with Johan. Koen and I had not gone all the way, and we would probably do it this summer. But Zuzanna and I desperately need girly things. Johan was terribly body conscious so there was no way we would spend the whole day on the beach, just soaking up the sun and some male attention without two boys that got jealous if a boy even whistled at us. We are almost 19. I owe it to mom that I could finally go, convincing my father we wouldn’t to walk in seven ditches at once. It’s a Dutch saying that means we are smart enough to know our own limits.
Koen is such a gentle man that if I had insisted I would save my virginity for marriage, he would support me all the way to the altar. My true intention for this holiday was not what it seemed: I travelled to Spain as a virgin and determined to return home otherwise. Koen was staying at home, going on holiday with his parents to America. Doing the road trip-thing with a camper. Only a woman can understand why I am doing this for the both of us. A guy will never understand, that is why I asked Zuzanna to come with me. Koen was anxious about the pain I would feel when he finally would break my hymen. It became a thing, you know. So I need that to get that out of the way. Pun intended. Moreover, I knew he wasn’t a virgin anymore. He had a girlfriend before me. He is more experienced than I am. And I don’t like that one bit. What if I sucked at fucking? Yes, we did oral for some time now, and it was great. If oral was a good measure for what was about to come, it held a lot of promise. I need the confidence of having some experience as well, so I could fuck him back as good as he was fucking me. There was no way I would cheat on Koen. He is my better half.
Zuzanna knows, of course. She is a virgin and wants to return to the Netherlands in the same mint condition. She has tried many times to talk me out of this. It was useless, of course. I had already decided. Lloret de Mar is a popular destination for young people that truly appreciate the nightlife. We ended up in a hotel with a balcony view of the beach. A small strip of sand and a lot of high rocks behind it. Enough lounge chairs to relax. What more did we want?
Zuzanna and I. We have been through a lot together. Trust and loyalty form the foundation of our relationship. I know she will always be there for me, and I will be there for her. We have been friends as long as I can remember. She is the one I practised on kissing. Neither of us is into girls, but we need the practise, of course. We both want to be the best kissers ever. So we kissed until our lips hurt. We duelled with our tongues until we had difficulty talking afterwards. We compared our tits and pussies with our eyes, hands, and tongues. Zuzanna has big breasts. She likes my small titties; I want them to look like hers. Her labia poke a bit out, like they were stretched with heavy weights, like I had seen in Koen’s porn magazines. Mine are nicely hidden. Our tongues found the sensitive spots in our yonis. Our purpose is solely to pass that knowledge on to the guy that is lucky enough to put his tongue there as well, you see?
On our first day, we lounged on the beach, soaking up the sun to add some colour to our pale skin. The first night we spent in bed with each other, just to get in the mood, you know. The next day, we went clubbing. So in the third place, this guy approached us. It’s not that we had to complain about a lack of attention before, but those were all boys. This guy, Paul, was older. OK, he is old. In his thirties, perhaps? Dunno. He starts chatting us up. You know? He gives Zuzanna lots of attention and compliments, a clever move if ever I have seen one. He is chatting ME up, by proxy, so to speak. So, we drink a little too much. Liquid courage, as they say. I’m not accustomed to drinking, so there isn’t a lot of booze needed for that. So Paul goes with us to our hotel room.
“Listen,” I say when we are back in our hotel room, “I want you to fuck me, but I don’t really know you. So I have two conditions. One, my friend Zuzanna, will stay here and watch. Just for safety reasons, of course. If you even touch her, you will be in big trouble. Two, you need to use a condom. Do you have got one?” He grabbed a strip of condoms from the breast pocket of his jacket.
“Always be prepared…,” he smiled. Slick as oil on a used car salesman. He takes a shower. See, experienced men are big on hygiene. Not like boys. So I shower as well. Not at the same time. Zuzanna joins me in the shower, urging me not to go through with this. Her words are wasted on me. My single focus on a little membrane was well in the way of moving forward. I hear my heartbeat in my head as I enter the hotel room in the nude. I force my hands down to my sides instead of covering myself up. He is in bed. He starts sweet talking me that there was no need to be nervous, that he would be gentle and to trust him to make me feel good. Bla,bla,bla. It was time for me to take control once more.
“I don’t want you to be gentle. Look, I’m not some innocent little girl, right? I don’t want you to make love to me. I have got one at home that does that much better. Just fuck me. As hard as you can. Tell me what position you want me in and just do it, okay?”
“So you are into rough love, are you pretty girl? Sit on the bed on all fours, doggy.”
I barked. I did. I am scared. I am excited. I am terrified. I’m going to lose my virginity. I am going to find out if my dreams live up to whatever reality could come up with. Shame colours not only my face bright red, half of my chest is red as well. It’s showtime, baby.
“Wait!” Zuzanna said suddenly. “Put this on.” She gives him a Durex in a wrapper.
“You put it on, honey.” The slime says.
“In your dreams, pal. In your dreams,” Zuzanna sneered back.
I don’t have the courage to look back at him. I keep my eyes fixed on the headboard of the bed. But I hear him tearing the paper. My heart will not survive this. There is a limit on how fast a heart can beat.
“Put your beautiful dick in me and push in one motion all the way in me. Fuck me as hard as you can. If I scream, ignore me. If I cry, double the speed you are pounding me with. Ignore me, be selfish, seek your own release.” I say to him.
“Oh, boy. Is this really happening? What is the catch?” he asks Zuzanna suspiciously. I hear her swallow.
“There is no catch. She is a virgin and wants her first time to be unpleasant. It’s how she is wired. If you want to chicken out of this, now is the time to do it. Either fuck her or leave right now. Just do it, man,” Zuzanna says.
He reaches over me and grabs my nipples. They are hard.
“I know boys that have bigger tits than you. Are you sure you’re not a boy? Perhaps I should take you in the ass, like I would fuck a boy.”
“No!” I shout in horror. “You are too big! Please no, I don’t want that.” For the first time, I realise this was not the scenario I had envisioned, not the scenario I wanted. But we were just two little girls against one big guy. And if he doesn’t play by the rules, we are in serious trouble here.
As I panic, Zuzanna says to him calmly. “She clearly isn’t a boy, so stop this silliness or leave.”
“Oh, no, no, no, you cock teasers. Tell you what, perhaps if you show me your titties, I might be kind enough to plough this cunt hard.” Without a word, Zuzanna takes off her shirt and bra. Her breasts are huge. She fills a cup E and still her tits spill out of her cups. Without a word, Zuzanna crawls on the bed and sits on her legs in front of me. Her bare breasts pointing toward the pervert.
“You two are so kinky. You have no idea”, he grins and puts the tip of his member in me. It was huge, far above average, I think. I have not much reference material. He enters his latex covered crown in my pussy. Yeah. I was wet enough for his cock to enter without difficulty. Of course, he noticed. He is panting by now.
“O, fuck. You are so fucking tight, slut. What is that? You really are a virgin, are you not? You stupid bitch. Your first time should be special. Something you will always remember. You know what?” He grins. Pure Evil. “I am going to make it so special for you, whore!” He pulled back a bit and, with enormous strength, he rams his cock into me. Just as I had begged him to. I am giving him something that belonged to the love of my life to a stranger. I don’t even like him. Even if my mind did not like that, my body sure did. As he pounds into me, pain and pleasure mix into a cocktail that is more powerful and potent than any liquor I have consumed that evening. He is not even looking at me, but stares at Zuzanna’s waggling tits. I am just a cum drip tray.
“Fuck me harder. Is that all you can show for? Destroy my cunt! Harder, you slimeball. You only want to fuck little girls, don’t you? Ram your mighty cock in my poor little cunt. You can do better,” I kept egging him on with my dirty talk. Sybil had learned me to talk dirty during a fuck. She says it’s the best orgasm trigger.
“I’m cumming. O, God, I’m gonna cum so fucking hard in your dirty whore’s cunt.” He grabs my hips and goes at a rabbit pace. It triggers my own orgasm as well. This slut is to be used for one purpose only: to make him come. And he does. His dick keeps twitching in my cunt. His sweaty body collapses on mine. Thank you, very gentlemanly of you. All I can do is lay there, and in a freaky way, his body weight on mine feels somehow reassuring.
At last, he rolls away from me and takes me with him, so I end up beside him on my back as well. With one hand, he takes the dirty condom from his member. The condom has a few traces of blood on it.
“Open your mouth, slut.”
It seems like a reasonable request. He deposits the filthy thing in my mouth.
“Don’t take it out of your mouth until you have cleaned it inside and out.”
Obediently I suck on the thing, tasting the coppery taste of blood and something I guess is semen. I try to suck all the semen out of the condom without taking it out of my mouth. I suck so hard without wanting to, and I swallow the whole motherfucking thing. My face turns all shades of red from embarrassment.
“Open.” I don’t want to. I am too ashamed.
“I swallowed it.” And show him the proof by opening my mouth. The bastard starts to laugh. And laughs. He tries several times to say something, no doubt something humiliating, but he just laughs and laughs. I am shaking all over my body now. I never have had a panic attack, but this sure looks like one.
Zuzanna awakes from her stupor, puts on her bra and throws his clothes at him. “That’s all folks, the show is over.” Goodnight and thank you, Magaldi. You’ve completed your task, what more could we ask of you now? Please sign the book on your way out the door; that will be all, if we need you we’ll call, but I don’t think that’s likely somehow.
“I want a shower first, if you don’t mind.”
“I do mind. You can shower at home. I just want you to go right now. You have overstated your welcome. And if you are not out of here within two minutes, I will call the police and tell you have raped a minor.”
I don’t see him leave. I am glad Zuzanna is here for me and throws him half clothed out of our room. My best friend crawls into bed next to me and holds me until I stop shaking and shivering. “Tell me, girl.”
“I am sorry.”
“For doing this?” Zuzanna asks.
“No, the deflowering ceremony went exactly as planned, but bringing you into danger like this. We could have brought a serial killer home. What if he kept us here against our will? He would have raped you as well. I could never forgive myself if that had happened.”
“Ah, well. It didn’t happen, did it? He is out of the room now, and we are safe. More important, how are you feeling after all that violence?”
“That violence is my thing, you know that. I need to know before I go any further with Koen if all that submission stuff is just in my head, or if it’s very real. Do I get wet from being raped by some random guy? Now I know. I need this. Not only is this my kink in fantasies, but it’s also something I enjoy in reality. Loved it. I wish the motherfucker was more rough on me. I wish he would have bitten my titties, slapped my ass. But this brutal fucking was good, too. The most wonderful thing about it is, I think, the humiliation that came from sucking the dirty, full condom.”
“It’s difficult to understand you sometimes, Sylvia,” Zuzanna sighs.
“I understand completely. I don’t understand it myself. That’s the reason I had to feel it, if it’s a real craving or just a figment of my imagination.”
“So you found it’s real, alright.”
“Yeah.” I say.
I lower my diary and put it on the floor. It was as silent as the pause between two heartbeats, heavy with unspoken thoughts. I didn’t have the courage to look behind me. Looking Koen in the eye now was too much to ask. The thought of telling him filled me with such trepidation that I never dared. Why would I want to cause him such intense suffering, leaving a wound that may never truly heal? Until today, when they forced me to read my fucking diary out loud. I felt Koen’s hand caressing my head. The sensation of your touch on my bald head is profoundly different from when I had hair. Without the barrier of strands, the feeling is raw and immediate, like the purest form of connection. Your fingers glide smoothly over my scalp, and every movement is amplified—each stroke resonates deeply, a soft hum beneath my skin. It feels intimate, exposed, almost electric, as though the bare surface invites a deeper kind of closeness.
Overwhelmed, I collapsed. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry”, it’s the only thing that came out, a thousand times like a broken record. I couldn’t stop. Right through my litany, Koen said,
“It was a long time ago. We all do stupid things when we are young. You know how I struggled with my own dominance. And yes, it was very dangerous and it could have ended badly, but you realised that yourself at the time.”
Jutta piped up, “Some girls lose their hymen while riding horses, others in a slightly different way. This was your way, Sylvia.”
I did not deserve their sympathy and understanding. But they both sank down next to me on the floor. The man on the left, the woman on the right. And they comforted me.
It was like being a stupid kid all over again.
